dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
