I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
