it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
