just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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