so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
