The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
