shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
