she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
