I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
