My friends, they love my intelligence
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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