I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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