Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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