Can i not drive my cunt home
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
