why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
