I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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