He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
