thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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