he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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