Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
