i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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