listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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