My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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