my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
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Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
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This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I am naked and annoyed.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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