I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
