god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
