No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Randomize
