So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
