I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
