I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
