I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
