Already got asked if we're dating
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
