i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
