Redeem this text for a blowjob
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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