I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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