nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
