After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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