Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
