mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
