I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
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I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
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Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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