she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
