if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
