Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
