the condom got lost in my hair
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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