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I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
