Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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