God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
