Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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