i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
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No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
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She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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