the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
