Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
