i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
