Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This is my gift to your gina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize