This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
